Posted by: comfortjunkie | August 14, 2008

I am a beautiful, wonderful person and people like me.

Yesterday was another mind control day. According to er, everything I’ve ever read, a 20 minute snooze is supposed to be better for you than my 2-hour power naps. Apparently after 20 minutes you will wake up feeling refreshed and energetic whereas if you sleep for two hours, you will feel lethargic and miserable. So yesterday, since I only had a little time before pilates and was exhausted, I put this to the test. I dozed for 20 minutes into the drifting off JERK awake driiiift off JERK awake zone and when my alarm finally went off, I lie there considering my options.

The old me would have texted date boy and said something like my car broke down, I was being held by federales, or something plausible like that and went back for the other 1.5 hours of nap time, BUT NO. I did not do that. Instead I stared up the ceiling and said to the dogs, “Hot dog! I cannot wait to go pilates. Pilates will be the most fun I’ve had since I ran away with the carnival.” (Yes, I actually did say hot dog, I have an affinity for quaint turns of phrases). Then I grudgingly got up and put on my workout clothes and went to pilates.

The class only had five people in it last night. I am positive that the instructor is an escaped Chinese contortionist acrobat masquerading as a Mexican pilates teacher. It’s either that or she’s an animatronic marionette. No one should be this flexible. If Gumby were a short Mexican pilates teacher, this would be her. As she sat on the floor with her legs on either side of her body and then to “relax” flopped her entire torso onto the floor with no effort whatsoever, I realized that I had a new dream. I no longer care about losing weight or dropping sizes, I only want to be as limber and flexible as she. I will then embark on a new career as burglar, squeezing through cat doors and the bars on people’s windows and stealing really thin stuff like wallets and jewelery. Or really what I want is to be able to lie flat across my legs when I touch my toes and not in a painful arc as I desperately grasp for the arch of my foot so I don’t spring backwards and whack my head on the floor.

Just in case you are a man or born in some other country, I will clarify what pilates is. Pilates focuses on your core muscles (abs and back), uses your own body weight as resistence for muscle building and tone and isolates individual muscles and works them slowly for maximum effect (hence you do not do 2,000 reps of anything in pilates, you do about 10-20 of each exercise). Imagine my consternation and surprise when we spent nearly six minutes isolating the Achilles tendons and foot muscles. Turns out that feet muscles are something we take for granted (like that one time when I assumed that a tattoo wouldn’t hurt on my butt because you just sit on it every day so it must be pretty desensitized, WRONG. There are a lot of nerve endings on the surface of your butt). So as I was flexing and making “long toes” and getting a cramp in my foot and flexing and pointing, and my ankle muscles started burning and my foot felt like it was 100 lbs, I started saying things (in my inside my head voice) like, “I love this feeling. This is the feeling of growth. I wish I could do this every day. Wow, this sure feels great.” And thus I made it through class. And people like me, dammit.

Oh yeah and I’ve lost FIVE lbs already. Woo woo! I told you all that “lose weight slowly, it’s a lifestyle, not a diet” crap was bullshit. It’s the Mary Kate diet all the way, baby. And don’t lecture me. I know more about dieting and serial killers than most people know about their own bowel movements.


  1. Yeah, some of the isolation exercises in pilates are whacky- Last night in my class i had to thread my fingers through my toes. My toes dont have room for my thick fingers to weave between them, and my toes are strong little fuckers because they were constricting my fingers pretty hard.

    oh well, I’m supposed to practice that.

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