Posted by: comfortjunkie | August 27, 2008


A black dog with orange tiger stripes

A relative asking for help with euthanasia

My cat falling four floors off the balcony

What do these things have in common? They were all featured in my dreams over the last two days. There was one more terrible and strange event but I cannot remember it, only that it disturbed me. I was pleased to discover that someone searching for “pig nightmares” found my blog. Two words that sum up exactly how I’m feeling today.

Under my bravado and optimism this week, I am deeply melancholy. I cannot for the life of me understand why. It has so deeply affected me that last night I even went so far as to count up dates and see if there was an impending anniversary of a death, or a birthday of someone close to me who died, or something. I couldn’t come up with anything. I did realize that it’s been five years since the love of my life died and four years since my uncle died, both so young. It feels like several lifetimes ago and it made me even more depressed. Excellent.

Still, if you take away the obvious factors of my daughter hating me and other assorted family issues, what have I got to be sad about? I mean, besides the fact that I am going to die alone in the jungle and most likely be eaten by my cats before anyone can find me. Not the end I had in mind, but currently the most likely or at least on par with being killed by a bus driver in a fiery pile-up. Those two are neck and neck at the moment.

I wish I could tell you how frequently I utter the words, “please don’t kill me,” or “please do not smash into my car,” during the course of a day. These are closely followed by, “seriously, fuck off. Get away from me.” It’s almost become a chant. My daily mantra.

Yesterday was an extra special day for oh, so many reasons that I will not be sharing here, in so public a forum. Today is shaping up to be equally superb. The water came back on in the late evening but silly me, thinking that I might actually have water today, I did nothing about it. No dishes, no shower.

The grossest thing that happened to me yesterday was a trip to the top of the eight story garbage mound that is the dump. That is not the gross part. The cameraman opened the door to the van to get out and take some footage. I cannot describe to you the stench of the dump. I have tried before as you know. I actually GAGGED. But that is only part of the grossest part. When the door opened, the van was FULL, in seconds, with teeming swarms of garbage flies. I swear to God, it was one of the sickest moments of my life. So, so foul. I do not understand how people live literally across the street from that, although I know they have no other option. They spend all day working in the dump and make their houses from materials they scrounge up.

Just how awful am I feeling? Last night, during our nightly potty routine, the two kittens went frolicking and playing across the roof. I tried to lure them in with a shaken food bag. That got one in. I tried to kissy noise the other one in when the first one ran out again. I was not climbing over the railing to run all over the roof chasing kittens at 1 am. I just could not summon the energy so I locked their tiny, furry asses outside overnight.

Damn straight.

In my defense, by time I got ready for bed and was actually lying in bed, I felt guilty and got up to see if they were at the door. They were not nor did they respond to additional luring. So I closed the door and didn’t think twice about it. This morning they were whining and peeping to be let in, hungry and thirsty no doubt. One of them had made it to another section of roof and couldn’t get back over the ledge so I did end up having to climb over the railing, drop down on the roof, pick up the kitten and put it on the balcony and the heave myself over the railing again. At 8 am. In my PJs. In front of my neighbors. Thank god for pilates. I’m actually more limber after just a few sessions.

So I’ve been writing this uninspiring post for more than two hours now and I really should get back to work. It’s days like these that I wish I was the type of person to start drinking at 10am and watch daytime TV all day instead of fulfilling my responsibilities to my clients. Sadly, I neither can stomach drinking for breakfast nor do I have cable.



  1. I’d suggest supplementing your coffee with baileys to ease into drinking in the morning, but to get drunk, you would literally have to drink the whole bottle of baileys or slip some vanilla vodka in to boot, and by that point you might be drunk, but the tummyache isnt worth the effort.

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