Posted by: comfortjunkie | September 4, 2008

Insane with Jealousy

As mentioned before, I am not photogenic. It literally takes dozens if not hundreds of photos to find one that I feel represents me accurately. Needless to say, I am not looking forward to publicity shots. So imagine my seething envy when faced with these photos that are exactly what I would want in a publicity photo if I had my druthers.

Timely then, retro now … my main thought on photo #3 was “how did they get her hair to look like that underwater?!!” I could show you some of my underwater pics from when I’m diving and you would shriek with horror and hide under your couch. “Why is the Great Pumpkin wearing that scary mask, mommy?” And it is a scary mask, I wear the Mares Demon scuba mask because it gives amazing visibility.

I'm too sexy for my mask...

I'm too sexy for my mask...

I am finally going to go to the bank today and reset my online banking password. I also have to get wiring instructions since the one they gave me at the bank last time resulted in my pay being sent back to my client… much to the chagrin of both me and the housekeeper. There isn’t enough kibble for everyone to make it through the weekend (assuming that I, too, will be sharing in the bounty that is Whiskas) so I’m getting a check from the client today. This mean, of course, that I will have to go to another bank again tomorrow to cash it. With my luck it will be the bank I hate the most, the one with the long lines filled with gassy people and no air conditioning. I hate to ask God for petty favors, but please, please do not let this check be from that bank.

Meanwhile, between working on what has now become  the most boring stuff on earth (ie: real work) and watching too much TV (Can I tell you how great season 5 of The Shield is? It has Forest Whitaker in it. You like Forest Whitaker), I am pitching magazines for more real, paid writing work. I’m also on a couple of groups for writers, one of which is exclusive to the writers for the series I’m working on… and in this group, people are nice enough to share writing gigs. One of those was for an issue of the magazine that every middle school boy looks at in the library to see naked African boobies.  I don’t need to mention it by name, do I? I’m going to have a couple of little nuggets in their March issue, providing I make the cut for the print mag.

I’m also being interviewed for a podcast which is great. Bring on the podcasts and stay away from video!

So I’ve been emailing photographers, what few I can find in this area. Tell me why photographers can charge $350 an hour. I was thinking about what I would pay that kind of money for, on an hourly basis. This is what I came up with: various surgeries, a resurrection, maybe an exorcism although it depends on how the demon is manifesting itself, a make-out session with Jeremy Piven who, in the role of Ari on Entourage is my new crush, a private concert by the Rollins Band with touching allowed and that’s really about it.

The reason they are so expensive here is because the only way a photographer can make money is on destination weddings. Those crazy brides will pay anything for wedding stuff. One website I went to was offering $2000 + wedding photography packages. If someone presented that to me, my response would easily be, “are you high on crack?” Besides, wedding photography is so passe. I’d much prefer a wedding sculpture or oil painting. Perhaps a wedding mosiac or stained glass window in my image.

But all I really want now is to have my picture taken in a retro one-piece bathing suit with a princess phone at the bottom of the ocean.


  1. Those pics from the Smithsonian are quite interesting. Thanks for the link.

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