Posted by: comfortjunkie | September 5, 2008

Buried under edamame

Today is a unique day in that I was dressed before noon. Not only that but I left the house before noon too. As a home office worker and freelance writer, these events occur as frequently as certain meteor showers. I was determined to make it to the bank before the teeming masses got there and I, for once, succeeded. I was actually the only person in line. I cashed my check and then had the stupid idea to go to my bank. The goal was to deposit money in my account so I could purchase some much needed American supplies online so that my brother could bring them down for me when he comes to visit this month. It occurred to me when I walked into the bank that I cannot use my debit card online because of the whole address verification thing. Whenever credit card companies see Mexico on the address, they assume it’s fraud and block the transaction.

As I pulled into the driveway of the bank, I saw this beautiful dog lying on the side of the driveway. She wasn’t moving but her eyes were open. I walked past her into the bank and when I realized the stupidity of my decision, I walked past her again to get to my car. I assumed that she had been hit by a car and was now dying in the driveway. As I sat in my car and tried not to cry about it, I went over my options. I could go and try to pick up the dog and put her in my truck to deliver her to the vet. The vet, of course, would want me to pay for whatever the dog needed. If there were massive internal injuries, there could be surgery, medication and then, providing the dog lived, I would have to take it home with me. I really, really, don’t need any more animals. I’d like to get rid of half of the ones I have now but unfortunately I’m a rescuer not an abandoner.

My other option was to drive away and leave the dog to die in the parking lot. I could see her sad brown eyes in her brindle face and I got all overly emotional and weepy because it’s that time of the month when I do that. I sat in the car for ten minutes arguing with myself. Everything I believe in dictated that I had to save the dog, pay for its medical care and then since I saved its life, I had to home it until I found some kind person to adopt her. The rational part of me was screaming back, “you barely have enough money to take care of the animals you have!” And then the decision was made for me. The dog yawned, got up and walked away. Apparently it was just tired and thought that the driveway of the bank was a nice place to relax and ruminate about the day.

Emotionally drained, I went to Costco, where with my replenished funds I bought a bounty of wonderfulness in giant economy-sized packages. For my housekeeper, I bought new sponges, 40,000 garbage bags and blue hockey pucks for the toilet tank. Because I recently read an article rating a zillion kinds of dog food and found that the one I feed my dogs is absolute crap, I bought giant bags of Kirkland dog and cat food. Premium dog food is twice as expensive here as it is in the United States and my previously spoiled dogs, who for years due to my chow’s allergies ate gourmet, organic dog food made with exotic ingredients like kangaroo and pine nuts, have been forced to slum it like white trash tweaker dogs. I do the best I can but I’m not buying an $80 bag of dog food unless it actually feeds the dogs and picks up their shit for me. While I was looking for THAT article, I found this hilarious article on the culture shock of moving back to the United States. I agree with almost everything in it. I never did find the original dog food article on the site that was cited as posting it, but I found a reprint here.

Anyway, for the final third of my shopping, I bought tasty food including a bag of edamame nearly as big as me. It is from under the empty pods of this edamame that I write this as I eat a quarter of my own body weight in soybeans. I bought giant peanut butter and giant jelly. A box of individual salmon fillets, and my only naughty purchase, a bag of bourbon chicken. Since I’ve been on the Calista Flockhart diet, I’ve lost nearly 10 lbs and my “cheating” has been exactly four Canelita cookies (the best cookies on earth) and four mini powdered donuts. That’s it. Bourbon chicken wraps are delicious and the fat content isn’t really that bad per serving (8mg) or so. I’ve earned that chicken, dammit.

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