Posted by: comfortjunkie | September 9, 2008

Your psychic to-do list

I know a lot of you probably already have your psycho to-do list (google ex-boyfriend from 8th grade, drive past recent exes house 12 times, line the bottom drawer of your coworker’s desk with raw meat) but this week I want you to focus on what’s really important; me.

That’s right. Think of this like one of those prayer chain emails you always get from your aunt only instead of praying and focusing on stuff like curing some kid with cancer, you can focus on me selling my book. When I do visualization, it usually centers around me opening an email from my agent and reading, “PUBLISHER NAME HERE is interested in the book. They are going to make an offer by the end of the week,” or some such thing. For some reason I’m kind of stuck on Hyperion, but feel free to substitute Harper-Collins, Random House or Avalon.  You just need to visualize reading a blog entry that says, “Hey, I sold my book for a billion dollars and they’re going to make a movie out of it!” So that’s your homework.

I suspect if all 14 (yeeessss! readership is UP!) of us focus for the remainder of the week, that my book will be sold by Friday. Then you can go back to curing cancer or whatever else it is you do in your free time.

What’s in it for you? Well, for starters when you see my enormous head looking down on you from my promotional billboard or when Oprah gives me my own show a la Dr. Phil, you can brag to your friends that you used to read my sad little cat blog and that you can’t believe how famous I am when the most interesting thing I had to write about was piles of dirt and kitchen appliances. If you can make it through the vetting process of my massive celebrity PR firm (assuming your mail doesn’t contain mysterious powdery substances or is ticking), and I find out that it was YOU, personally, who caused me to skyrocket to fame through your visualization techniques, then I will bring you on my show and present you with an autographed copy of my latest book, “How I stalked and eventually won the heart of Jeremy Piven,” by Comfort Junkie Piven (color inserts to include restraining orders and telephoto lens pictures of Jeremy by his pool, me smiling as the police drive me away and finally our wedding day, a sad, defeated Piven wearing his dove gray tuxedo shaking unknown pills out of a prescription bottle).

Doesn’t that seem worth it for just five minutes a day for four days on your part? Don’t be so selfish.

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