Posted by: comfortjunkie | September 13, 2008

Me for President

I honestly don’t know if I can vote this year. Not because I don’t want to, or because I don’t believe my vote counts but because Oregon is making it too costly and time consuming to get an absentee ballot. I can do most of it online but then I have to physically print and mail in the form, which means I can’t use regular cheap mail because it wouldn’t get there by the deadline (if it got there at all). I would have to invest $35-50 to DHL it. Love ya’ America, but I’m not paying to vote. Besides, even if I did vote, I’d probably just write my name in for President. This got me thinking… why not vote for me?

My qualifications:

  • Manipulative
  • Truthful only when it serves my best interests
  • I’ve been know to take things that don’t belong to me, in this case it would be other countries, but only the good ones like tropical island nations and fancy cheese producing countries
  • Questionable ethics
  • Morally in the gray area
  • Had an extramarital affair
  • Inhaled
  • No problem accepting kickbacks, bribes or junkets from big business. Will still stab them in the back when it comes time for my vote.
  • I’m 35 so I meet the age requirement

When I started listing these qualifications, I just for a moment thought that I might actually have BEEN the President at some point and just forgot. Hell, I might even be the president now.

My campaign slogan (stolen, of course, from Achmed P. Skookumchuck): Fuck Your Metric System; We Have All the Bombs.

My platform: free tampons, toilet paper and birth control pills. Legalize Quaalude’s. Remove all public spying equipment. Relocation of all tweakers, right-wing conservative nutbags (nutbag to be defined later), expatriated Canadians and mimes to off shore island (Australia? Alcatraz?). File a cease and desist on Microsoft who will not be allowed to release another software product until it actually works, bug free and does not require 2,000 daily patches and updates, socialized medicine, and the reintroduction of public lynchings.

Since we already have more than enough bombs to blow up the world 11x over, I think I’ll divert military funds to litter and graffiti removal. I will redecorate the White House to look like a 1920’s speakeasy. Euthanizing your pet because “I just don’t have the time to take care of it anymore” will become a felony punishable by death. No more pet breeding until the shelters are empty. Celebrities will have a maximum income of $200,000 per year. The rest of their money will be diverted to charity. Sports figures are now required to play their little games for free, if they love them so much.

My vice-president will be a stuffed Jackalope.

So now you know where I stand on the issues, more than you can say about Palin.

Can someone in Portland go pick up my ballot from my mailbox and vote for me this year? Or you know, do what the Republicans do, and vote twice or three times, once for me?



  1. I’m writing you in as my vote. MN will go to Obama anyways with or without me- I can spare my vote this year.

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