Posted by: comfortjunkie | September 20, 2008

DIY Tracheotomy Kit

I’ve thrown up six times today, an increase over the the three times I threw up yesterday and only once the day before. “Oh my!” you are probably thinking. “Did you drink the water? eat bad food? get a parasite?” Pfh. I WISH I had a parasite. I’ve seen people having battling for several months with parasites and they look GOOD.

No, unfortunately, I have someone much worse than a parasite. I have allergies or a cold of some kind. This is resulting in a throat full of mucus which is probably the most disgusting thing I can think of. I’d rather have parasites. I can’t just “cough it out.” It won’t move. Nor will it go down. It just sits in the top of my throat, gathering force until I’m running for the bathroom to gag and retch in my sink. I can spent a hour in there like a cat with a hairball, horking and hurling, blowing my noise, coughing, retching, clearing my throat, even expelling chunks of disgusting slime, only to find after all my hard work that I’ve made NO PROGRESS at all. It’s horrifying.

I’m taking three kinds of antihistamines. I’ve drank hot tea. I drink literally 25 glasses of water per day because swallowing, for a moment, makes me feel normal. I’ve eaten 11 lbs of carrots for the same reason. I lie down, sit up, stand up, jump up and down. I blow my nose event though there is nothing IN my nose to blow out. Today I took drastic measures.

This morning I dipped my fingertips in pure mint oil and then coated the insides of my nostrils with it. The resulting pain distracted me for a while and my nasal passages were clear but it didn’t clear my throat. This afternoon I decided to burn the MFer out. I made a pot of spicy kung pao noodles, coated them liberally in Sriracha sauce. I sat on the couch while I ate the whole pan, crying into my noodles from searing fire in my mouth, which no longer felt like a mouth at all but perhaps a crater in a volcano. My nose ran. My tongue burst into flames. My eyes watered. Still, my throat is not clear. I am considering other options that include giving myself a tracheotomy with a pen, buying and using a turkey baster like those baby-snot suction things they use on infants. I really don’t know what to do. Nothing is working and if I have to keep running to the bathroom for 20-30 minutes of retching and vomiting, it’s really going to ruin my brother’s trip (not to mention the enamel on my teeth). WHY WHY couldn’t it have been a parasite?? At least there is a pay off at the end of several months of pain and suffering and sitting on the toilet. You lose like 50-60 lbs. I would be completely ready for my new supermodel career if I could only get a parasite. Being a human cat with a hairball? Not nearly as sexy although I have a lot more empathy for my cats now.

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Responses

  1. I’ve often thought that a parasite would be a fantastic weight loss cure. Sadly, getting rid of them would be just disgusting.

    Hope that your throat feels better soon. What a terrible feeling.

  2. Yeah the Tracheotomy sounds like fun (not) 🙂 …but why don’t you go to Costco and buy mucinex DM? It breaks up mucus. I saw it today at Costco. Here is web site http://www.mucinex.com/.
    Hope you are feeling better.


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