Posted by: comfortjunkie | September 29, 2008

Murder Rates in August

There’s a reason why murder rates go up in the summer. The last few days have royally sucked. It’s HOT which makes me uncomfortable which makes me crabby and irritable. There was no rain last night, or as I like to think of it, sanity-saver. Two people have rung my doorbell today and if you think I flip out about my cell phone, you should see the rage I fly into at the sound of my doorbell. I have started gritting my teeth when I hear it which means I at least should change the ring tone. One of two things are likely to happen today or tomorrow. The rain will come and cool things down or someone else will ring the doorbell and I will hit them in the face with a shovel.

This brings me to my next point. How much of your baser nature can you really change? While I have a lot of good qualities (I’m an optimist!), I also have a lot of bad (I speed up for jaywalkers). If I see something that reminds me of a friend, I’ll buy it for them. If I hear of or read about something that I think would interest them, I pass it along. I’m thoughtful like that. I’m also thoughtful in that I think about following people who’ve wronged me home and burning their houses down. Well, not so much anymore because the houses are all made of concrete here, but you get the idea. I wouldn’t DO IT but I THINK about it. A lot.

I get along with people, am funny and somewhat fun, and I can be gregarious but there are far more days that I hate people than those that I don’t. Humans disappoint me and it sucks that there are people who rape kids, beat dogs, kill women, torture animals, steal from the elderly, and kill people because of their religion and/or skin color. There are also people who take up two spaces at the grocery store and I hate those people too. I hate people who pull out in front of me and then slow down, talk at the theater, and who don’t understand the rules of a four way stop. The problem is that I hate all of these people EQUALLY. But this is just part of my problem… the antisocial tendencies.

The other problem is that I really don’t care. I watched all of Team America without knowing that Kim Jong Il was a real person because the only foreign affairs that I know or care about involve caramel-colored waitstaff with washboard abs. I don’t want to produce some epic literary masterpiece that will win me prizes and International acclaim as the best writer of our time. I want to produce popular fiction that you can purchase in the book section of your supermarket. I want commercial success.

I will never have a compost pile but nor will I ever litter. I do not bring canvas bags to the supermarket because I never think of it. I’ll recycle as long as its not too much trouble. I like television and blockbuster action films. Sometimes I wear a seatbelt and sometimes…I don’t. When I lived in the US, I voted without educating myself about the issues or the candidates. I voted for Hugh Brashears in college because he had a campaign poster in my bar and one night a drunk sat in front of it and screamed, “HUGH BRASHEARS!” all night. It was all that came to mind when I was looking at the ballot.

My purpose in life is to reap as many rewards as I can with the least amount of effort. I want to get by. Skate though. I don’t like to exercise because it cuts into my valuable do nothing and stare the wall/tv/computer time and it doesn’t feel as good initially as a massage or a pedicure. If I could pick my dream job, it would be to be the idle rich (but spy/assassin is close second followed by writer). I volunteer and give money to the homeless and beggars but I’m also greedy and jealous. I know I’m supposed to change these things and to try harder to be a better person, but really, I don’t want to. Not deep down. I’m happier making darkly cynical observations from my emotionally walled off place and if that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.


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