Posted by: comfortjunkie | October 3, 2008

So this one time in Mexico…

My last post almost became so, so ironic. You see, for the last, er, while, I’ve been kind of an undocumented worker, if you will. For various reasons pertaining to having a business on one state and then closing it and then moving to another state and opening a different one and so on, such to the point where I actually had a sit down with the prior head of immigration the other day and she looked at me and said, “well, I have no idea what to do with you.”

SO, since she has connections, I turned over my passport and paperwork to her so I could get a temporary visa which I was on my way to pick up today. First I had a client meeting. Like a good girl, I was stopping at all the stop signs and lights I normally blow through and not driving like a maniac until this woman who was yapping on her cell phone got in front of me in the tunnel and was driving literally 5 mph. Just outside of the tunnel (which as an aside, I am sure is about collapse any day now and I’m starting to avoid) it becomes two lanes, so of course, I go to drive around her. As I go to do this, she throws a bunch of garbage out the window of her car! Now, since I’m trying hard not to go to prison today, I do not ram her car and then beat her with the mini Louisville Slugger I keep behind my seat for just such an occasion and then ram the garbage down her throat, instead I step on the gas and swerve around her muttering about what a disgusting human being she is…right into a speed trap. Doh!

Now, I have no passport, no immigration papers and my car permit is only good as long I am legal. If they were to check my papers, they could confiscate my car and take me away and perhaps deport me. This would be bad. V. bad. So the cop asks for my car papers which I do not have and I tell him that they are back at my house with all my perfectly legal immigration papers, my purple heart and a personal recommendation from some non-offensive US President. Wrong answer. Cop 2 comes over and thinks he recognizes me (which would be very bad again if he did because all of my police interactions end the same way, me paying a “fine,” accepting the offered date and then giving out a fake phone number). I assure him that really all my papers are with my lawyer because we are renewing my legal status and that I haven’t had a ticket in 10 months (probably true). So we get to talking about where I’m going (a friend’s house) and how I should really wear my seatbelt all the time and not drive so fast. I assure them that I’m going to my friend’s house and then straight home, very slowly with my seatbelt on and I’ll never, ever speed again (when coming out of that tunnel). We all have a good laugh but then, to make the moment rather surreal, the “I think I know you” cop busts out with his English.

“I know English. Lots of words. Asshole bitch whore motherfucker!”

His cop friend was properly horrified, I feigned shock. In the end I got my ticket for going 60 kph in a 40 (I was really doing like 80) and I think he left the seatbelt thing off too.

I really do have the luck of the devil AND I’m legal again!


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