Posted by: comfortjunkie | October 8, 2008

Paging Freud

Last night I dreamed that I was at a beautiful villa with a giant kidney shaped pool set amid the tropical landscaping and a man-made babbling brook that cut through the yard. The brook was filled with water lilies and the sun was shining brightly. It was very posh and beautiful…and infested with giant lizards and alligators that were threatening my daughter.

In another connected dream, I had invited someone that liked me very much out to dinner just to make someone else jealous. This of course backfired and I ended up miserable and alone, like people who use other people to get things that don’t belong to them should. While I was in the restaurant, I was trying to use the bathroom but servers and kitchen people kept opening the door and using the bathroom as a shortcut to the supply closet.

In still another dream, I was on the train with a 10 year old son of a friend and his mother. The 10 year old wanted to get off in the worst part of town because he had things to do, unsavory things, I am sure. Try as we might to stop him, we failed and he got off the train.

Add these dreams and the dozens more like them that I’ve had all week and you might think I’m in some kind of emotional turmoil or extreme anxiety. You wouldn’t be wrong. For a while now I’ve felt like I am standing at the top of a tremendous mountain on the toes of one foot being pummeled by wind. One bad gust and I’ll go toppling back, all the way down to where I came from or, if I’m lucky, a gentle breeze from behind will send me over the top and down towards a better future destiny. Meanwhile, I’ve got the ghosts of “everything that I’ve ever done wrong in my entire life” nipping at my ankles.

Unbidden, memories of everything I’d rather forget are burbling to the top. I don’t think I’ve ever wished more for a couple of sessions with my last shrink than now. I mean, some of it is really stupid shit too, things from when I was a child that caused me sadness or shame or bad conversations with people that have since been resolved. The only thing I can think of is that unsuppressed by mind-controlling medication, the nasties are coming up to say hi and remind me that you can only shove so much crap into your psyche before it reaches maximum capacity and starts a slow leak ( or you know, a potential 100 kiloton explosion).

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