Posted by: comfortjunkie | October 21, 2008

Well, dur.

Since apparently this is the week of epiphanies, last night I realized that perhaps one of the reasons I’ve been a big ol’ ball of evil lately is because I have FALLEN RIGHT BACK INTO THE SAME TRAP I LEFT. That’s right. Since either when I went broke in a foreign country or moved into the “city,” I’ve abandoned all of the things that have made me happy to live here. I haven’t spent a day at the beach in eons. I haven’t gotten a massage in ages. I haven’t been able to read a book on the rooftop in my bikini while sipping a mojito. There’s been no flirting with hot Latin guys and no dining out, really for an eternity. Obviously this shit has got to stop.

I’ve been back in the position I was in before I left the US, working a million hours a day and when I’m not working, thinking about work, not because I enjoy it but because of the money. I need the money to pay the bills but in the end that becomes all I work for. Not to enjoy life but to get by. Life is too short to get by. I remember realizing this in the job I hated the most, what should have been the best job I ever had. I realized that I was working 80+ hours a week plus dedicating significant dream time and awake time to obsessing over work all for naught. There were no fun vacations in my future. My piddly accruing vacation time would be frittered away on days when I just couldn’t bear to get out of bed one more day or when I needed to do something, never when I wanted to do something. And even then, two weeks of vacation? Or more accurately, ten business days? LAME. So to that end, I am embracing (or re-embracing) hedonism.

Last night I had a dream that I had a dream about Keilah and then I found her. I had to go to my previous town for an article last week and I was so sad thinking that even if she was still alive and had gotten away from the people who stole her, she would come home and I wouldn’t live there anymore. I miss her and I feel like I failed her by not being able to keep her safe. Every time I lose a pet I think, never again. After Benj died, I swore never to get so attached to a cat and here we are, me and Grace, in love (although to be fair, I probably never will feel the same way as I did about Benj. He was one of a kind). Like I said, I never learn.

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Responses

  1. Get thee to a beach- stat!
    I’m living vicariously through you, so this shit DOES have to stop.

    I always said that I never get attached to pets, but if either of my cats went missing I would be CRUSHED. I love those stupid furry little nuggets.

  2. My Caesar is like my child. I couldn’t bear it if something happened to him. It’s normal to become attached to your pets. I’ve had Caesar 7 years and hope he’s with me another 7. I feel for what you are going through. I had to give a beagle away about ten years ago and I still wonder if I made the right decision. I like to think I did.


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