Posted by: comfortjunkie | November 18, 2008

Just so bitter

I apologize in advance for what is sure to be a frothy, rage-filled, totally boring rant against technology companies.

I hate Microsoft and I hate HP. I also hate Enrique, my computer who I hope dies a natural death so I can get him replaced with a real computer, one that speaks English. The more I use my computer, the more I hate Spanish. I liked Spanish before I bought this piece of shit.

I bought it because according to HP, their laptops of this product family come with multiple languages. You can just select the one you want at start-up. Which I did. I picked English. Well, too bad because HP decided that even though in the US, you can pick up to 23,000 languages including Tagalog and Sanskrit, that in Latin America, people only speak Spanish. Why would any English speaking people want to move to Latin America? Or Asian? Or European? God forbid that any of the million English speaking expats be able to buy a product that is actually, as promised, multi-lingual. No, instead HP decided to cut corners and not install Vista in English. Their solution for me? I can buy a NEW ENGLISH copy of Vista with my own money and install it myself. Ha ha sucker! If I had known I’d have to do that, I could have flown to the US for what it would cost to buy Vista.

Now you would think I could just download the English language pack and install it. No, of course not. It’s not available. I tried to email Microsoft for help and see if there was a way to install and activate English without purchasing a new copy of vista, reinstalling and basically wiping out every program that my stupid piece of shit computer came with, but their answer was “well, you bought it on a HP laptop, so HP has to do the support. PS. ha ha sucker.”

And so I have been trying to deal with a computer that I can’t understand, because let’s face it, most of the options and techical settings in Windows aren’t even rational in ENGLISH, let alone me trying to translate whatever the Spanish equivilent is in the control panel and their stupid icons that have nothing to do with what you are trying to find. Hamburger? If I click on the hamburger icon, I get a slider bar that allows me to set privacy options? And three stars over a walnut? Oh, that’s the user options. Great.

So since my desktop died, and rightly so, I am trying to get my xBox to get video from my new doorstop, Enrique. Well, Vista comes with this steaming pile of shit they call Windows Media Center, which probably in English only sucks but in Spanish, it truly sucks more than anything has ever sucked before. HP thoughtfully included some program called Slingbox which, at random while my computer CLOSED and supposed to be hibernating, opens Windows Media Center and starts blaring commercials at me. What a cool feature! Because email spam and twitter spam and text spam is not enough, I need my computer to stealth spam me too, in the middle of the night, at full volume.

So in trying to navigate the services options and turn off that horrible piece of shit, I managed to screw with Windows Media Center and my xbox won’t connect. Did I mention that I could probably change the hibernation settings on the computer if it was in English or I knew the secret password? Do I click on the 73 VW bug or the vase of daisies under the control panel?

So after four or five hours of reading 1,000 forums and trying to fix everything with WMC (which I managed to do IN SPANISH) and failing, I decided to try Zune software which also works with the xBox. No. It doesn’t.

Zune, yet another fine MS product, is another steaming pile of crap. It doesn’t recognize my video files and won’t add them to the library. Oh, and although I was on the US/ENGLISH website, it downloaded and installed itself in Spanish (Thanks microsoft!) with NO OPTION of changing the language. Awesome feature set.

The Zune website is a joke. The forums are a joke. Faqs like “how do I turn on my Zune” do not help me with trying to change the language or get it to recognize my video files. When I go to the support page, it sends me, where else? Microsoft’s website. When I try to email support, it asks me to select a product and when I type in “zune” Microsoft doesn’t even recognize it’s OWN MP3 PRODUCT! Awesome. If MS won’t even acknowledge Zune, that really tells you something about the quality of the product. Poor Zune, the mentally retarded cousin that gets locked in the closet at Thanksgiving and no one notices.

I’m so frustrated I could scream and beat things. Worst of all, in my mucking about with my stupid ignorant unilingual computer, I’ve reset the “please annoy me with your stupid insecure questions” feature of Vista. Really? Do you really want to run firefox? Are you sure? The internet can be dangerous. Why don’t we just have some tea instead? We could do a puzzle. Really, you don’t need the internet, do you?  Are you sure?

Piece of shit. If I hadn’t dropped 1k on this crappy paperweight, I would throw it out the window. I can’t return it. I can’t sell it. I’m stuck with it and I hate it. I hate Microsoft. I hate HP. I hate Spanish. I hate.

Now I have to go back to the fucking annoying “burn everything on DVD and then play on xBox” way of doing things until such a time that I can get something running XP back in my life. I seriously hope that every person who has worked on either the Latin American HP laptops, on Windows Vista or on Zune all get rickets, smallpox and leprosy.

*** as I was ranting both here and on the Zune support forums, and reading multiple MS support pages, I managed to get into Windows Media Player and set up sharing and HOLY SHIT IT WORKED. I no longer have the desire to burn down the Microsoft campus or blow up HP Latin America, although I still hope they get rickets and maybe leprosy too, but dry leprosy.



  1. If anyone is visiting soon, I’m still a student at PSU so I can buy software at the student discount prices (whatever the hell those are…check the PSU bookstore..) then again it might be as cheap as costco…

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